Edited image by Tibor Janosi Mozes
Welcome to Trump’s Week in Review for the 21st of January, 2018.
We’re now three weeks into the New Year, and one whole year into Donald Trump’s Presidency, and what does that mean? More useless news, of course! Let’s get right down to business!
As usual, if you only want to read the Breaking News, you can skip right to the bottom for the crucial news about him you’ve definitely missed because of all the useless stuff.
It’s been one year since Trump was inaugurated, and we want to tell you what one year of Trump has been like: Al Jazeera released its One Year Under Trump as a Twitter moment. Newsday says it could be worse. HuffPost says it only took Trump one year to trash America’s global reputation. Nah, you did that on your own. One year on. ONE. YEAR. ON.
The world isn’t over. Yet.
One year on from Trump’s inauguration, and there’s another Women’s March.
What’s worse is that Donald Trump has the gall to think it’s about him! According to Romper, it proves he *really* doesn’t get it!
Just look at that tweet—it reads exactly like something Adolf Hitler would tweet if he were still alive today! Seriously, though, it appears that Romper doesn’t realize the point of the tweet. Of course President Trump (or at least his staffers) know the Women’s March is against him. However, why would he admit that? Of course he’s gonna use it as a chance to politispeak and speak positively about himself. What are you expecting? This?
Anything short of this and Romper would still have written the same article, wouldn’t they? They’re not the only one. ABC News (Australia, not USA) released a similar headline, saying Women’s March protesters blast Donald Trump, but he says they should be thankful.
Most news sites have been reporting on the importance of the Women’s March and all the celebrities who are attending it, which just makes the Women’s March sound like your average New Year’s or 4th of July festival. Wouldn’t it have made more sense for it to be called something like March Against Trump? With all the reporting, it really sounds like an event for the whole family, with fireworks and fun for all!
Donald Trump’s jargon is infectious, says an opinion writer for the LA Times. In this piece, Virginia Heffernan tells us that Donald Trump’s perfect health is simply proof he is a white supremacist:
It was chilling to hear a doctor underscore Trump’s oft-expressed faith in his own genetic superiority. When Trump himself gives this “good genes” spiel, it often dovetails with his broader ideology of white supremacy.
Heffernan’s point is that anyone who comes into contact with Trump must be manipulated by him, because who could possibly say positive things about a Cheeto Mussolini? Except when they’re not indoctrinated, in which case he fires them. But how horrible is it that people agree with Trump!? It must be because he bullies them into compliance, because James Comey said so!
Deutsche Welle also reported something similar, telling us Don’t retweet Donald Trump and don’t use his language, which is apparently a quote by linguist George Lakoff. What’s more entertaining is that this site—dw.com—has the slogan “Made for minds.” when dw is well-known internet slang “dimwit”. Is there a joke here somewhere? Possibly.
Alternatively, Donald Trump may be suffering from heart disease, top doctor claims after analyzing the President’s medical results. UK gossip rag The Sun is quick to point out the alternative, that El Trumpo is not a-ok. While his personal physician says he’s fine, CNN hired their own doctor who said he’s not okay and is suffering from heart disease. So we’re trusting a CNN doctor over President Trump’s own doctor? What next? Dr. Oz’s opinion? Dr. Phil? DR. WHO? (Well, ackchyually, it’s The Doctor)
An analysis of Donald Trump’s Twitter feed by The Australian. Mind you, The Australian is a Rupert Murdoch-owned newspaper. It’s amazing that someone, under Rupert Murdoch’s orders no less, “analyzed” 25,000 of the President’s tweets. He didn’t start saying Fake News until December 2016? Groundbreaking! Where would we be without these insights?
Donald Trump makes sure his hairdo stays dry by keeping the umbrella to himself while Melania and Barron get rained on, says The Sun. Wow, the useless headlines just keep rolling in when it comes to The Sun. The same site obsessed with telling us about reality show stars and their “revenge bikini bodies” are “reporting” on a picture of Donald Trump holding an umbrella, protecting himself but not his wife or son. Breaking news!
Donald Trump to America: Please impeach me. This headline should win Clickbait of the Year. It certainly got you interested, didn’t it? Donald Trump wants to be impeached? WHOOPEE! Except, it’s not. The article from USA Today is just talking about how Donald Trump’s behavior must mean he wants to be impeached. Even though his behavior hasn’t changed in an entire year. Methinks USA Today has a backlog of “TRUMP IMPEACHED FINALLY” articles they really want published. I mean, journalism is hard. They want to take a break. If Trump is impeached, then they probably have a backup of about 2,000 potential articles to keep them on vacation for months, if not years!
President Donald Trump’s posh Mar-a-Lago Club is set to host a high-priced gala on Saturday night intended to celebrate Trump’s first year in office and raise money for his reelection campaign and the Republican National Committee, says the Chicago Tribune. The only controversial thing here should be that the tickets cost $100,000. Instead, the Tribune makes it sound like Trump is the first President to raise money for his own re-election.
Donald Trump is playing too much golf, reports The Independent. According to press reports and White House schedules, he’s spent 91 out of 364 days at a golf resort. Hypocrite! He criticized Barack Obama for playing too much golf back when Obama was President, and said he wouldn’t be playing golf as President. A politician lying? Never!
Also, The Guardian links his golf playing to Russians. Because, of course.
President Donald Trump made 2140 false or misleading claims in his first year, according to the Sydney Morning Herald. That’s very specific!
The Washington Post’s The Fact Checker database that analyses, categorises and tracks every suspect statement uttered by the President. That’s an average of nearly 5.9 claims a day.
It’s amazing there is someone that deals with this, considering all reports on anything Trump has ever said results in a “TRUMP=BAD” article. Why fact check when you don’t care anyway?
London Mayor Sadiq Khan on Donald Trump: He Sounds Like ISIS, according to The Intercept. So he’s normal then? Because Sadiq Khan is the same person who believes terrorist attacks are part and parcel of living in a city. In Khan’s (not The Intercept’s) own words: Basically, Trump’s anti-ISIS language is the exact same language that ISIS themselves use.
Other than this blatant clickbait headline, this article is just a pro-Sadiq Khan interview, where it talks about his policies are better than Trump’s, and how he’s more professional and reasonable and rational.
And here’s the actually important stuff about him you may have missed
Despite all the articles critical of President Trump, he still remains popular among Republicans. Says the ABC:
United States President Donald Trump’s overall approval rating is plumbing depths he’d rather not tweet about, but his conservative base remains firmly on side.
In fact, Mr Trump finishes his first year in office more popular with his own party than Barack Obama or Bill Clinton were at the same point.
While more conservatives than ever love their Republican President, more progressives than ever hate their Republican President. Many of us have been thinking this for a while, and the polls are proving it. Republicans love El Trumpo, Democrats loathe La Dumpo.
Trump is scared of sharks and 10 other things Stormy Daniels revealed,
according to the Huffington Post. While this may not be incredibly important, it is difficult to find actually important articles about the US President. Stormy Daniels is the porn star Donald Trump allegedly had an affair on Melania with. She’s revealed he’s scared of sharks, owns DVD copies of adult films, and is superstitious with his hair. If you really want to impeach Donald Trump, run at him in a shark costume, and maybe he’ll run off screaming. Or not. Worth a try? Tell him he’s dreamin’.