Edited image by hafteh7

Welcome to Trump’s Week in Review for the 4th of February, 2018.

It’s now February, and with a new month of the year comes more trivial news stories about President Donald Trump. And in a week with particularly scarce happenings among the 45th President of the United States and his cohorts, there is still a surprisingly large amount of…nothing.

As usual, if you want to skip the banalities, scroll down (or Ctrl-F) for the actually important stuff about him you may have missed for the rest of the prescribed program. Let’s get going:

Donald Trump clapped at his own speech. The internet clapped back: Clapping? Oh no, the horror! To be fair, though, it feels like TIME was waiting for the moment they could use this headline instead of the usual template. And use it they did!

The Spice Girls are reuniting in the era of Donald Trump, Time’s Up and #MeToo,
reports the Sydney Morning Herald’s feminist/lifestyle section The Daily Life. Yes…and? The Spice Girls tried to reunite a decade ago, and it failed miserably. Now, they’re reuniting again, and we get to turn it into “In a time of Trump, Time’s Up, #MeToo and other social campaigns aimed at women, Girl Power 2.0 may be the cause we never knew we needed until now”. Clickbait is fun!

Donald Trump launches Twitter tirade against ‘Russian witch hunt’ after releasing memo accusing FBI of bias, MSN tells us. Trump is telling us again that he wasn’t colluding with the Russians. LOL! He must be mad again, that old hatter! Why would we listen to him when we could accuse him of colluding with the Russians again? After all, our Editor-in-Chief expected us to publish that “Trump Finally Impeached, Clinton Now President Somehow Despite Pence Technically Being Next in Line” article twenty-five minutes ago.

Trump Bragged During White House Meeting About Melania’s Role in Aflac Commercial, popular gossip rag People sneers. How dare this man talk about his wife in a flattering light? We’re trying to portray him as having multiple affairs with porn stars, despite said adult actress denying the alleged affair. Saying something positive about Melania Trump? Bah! He should be as bitter as the journalists of Twitter about Melania Trump!

Donald Trump accuses FBI and Justice Department of favouring Democrats over Republicans, says The Independent.

Granted, Donald Trump is saying something silly. But that’s not news. President Trump has been saying ridiculous things since he was a mere host of The Apprentice and a figurehead of the 1980s yuppie movement. Mate, the FBI and the Justice Department aren’t biased against Republicans in general. It’s just you. They don’t like you. Whether that’s for good reasons or not, that’s up to interpretation, however.

North Korea is calling El Drumpfo ‘arrogant’ and ‘dogmatic’, according to Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation. Wow, North Korea is slamming Donald Trump? Who could ever have guessed!? Sarcasm aside, this is about as newsworthy as an Opposition Leader or political rival criticizing their opponent, and it’s just a repeat of all the “Dotard” stuff. It’s not news. It’s just bullshit political back-and-forth. It’s simply amazing that News Corp, which is traditionally Right-leaning, would rather support the North Korean communist regime over a conservative American President.

Donald Trump using same kind of ‘racist language’ that sparked First World War, historian warns, according to The Independent. Dan Snow, a presenter for various BBC history documentaries, said “when Trump merrily talks about nuking North Korea, when he threatens violence and talks about the size of his nuclear arsenal, we absolutely should remember the war poets”. He recommends for Trump to read any book, but mainly works by the war poets, so he doesn’t accidentally on purpose nuke us all. But, here’s the main bit:

We should be very wary about answering the call from aged male politicians to hurl ourselves into battle.  Frankly if we had seen more of that and less nationalism in Donald Trump’s recent State of the Union address, I would have been happy.

Like his inauguration address, it was a terrifying expression of popular nationalism.

According to Snow, nationalism immediately means “war” and “straightforward 19th century nationalism”, while ignoring the many nationalists and racist politicians of the past who did not lead the United States into the war. While Snow makes some valid points, it is absurd to claim that nationalism will immediately lead to war. Sure, many examples of extreme nationalism have compounded a terrible situation (such as the obvious Godwin’s Law example), it does not immediately ensure WAR! NOW! Nationalism, for example, can bring communities together in times of danger, the opposite of what Snow is catastrophizing.

Teaching Southern and black history under Donald Trump is apparently different to teaching Southern and black history under any previous President, says the New Yorker. This stuff isn’t even parody any more. Twelve months ago, this would’ve been an article by The Onion. These sorts of articles make it sound like the United States is under a totalitarian fascist regime where everyone Trump dislikes is being thrown into concentration camps willy-nilly and everything is far worse than Jim Crow. C’mon people, learning about Southern and black history is no different under Trump. Adam Domby believes he will have be the safekeeper of Southern and black history under a post-Trump era, but he has more to worry from the traditionalist, racist Southerners who have existed long before Trump was even a speck on the world’s radar.

Donald Trump’s nuclear report on North Korea is published with an embarrassing error.. can YOU spot it? Yes, you used two dot points for your ellipsis, The Sun. Also, “can” should begin with a capital C. Sorry for the nitpicking, but you started it. Basically, Orange Mussolini made the mistake of showing North Korea’s flag on map of the two Koreas. Unnamed “experts” have slammed this mistake. This seems to be more of an indication of the terrible American education system, where U.S History takes absolute precedence over absolutely everything else. Take, for example, CNN, who once issued a report stating the Australian state of Tasmania was somehow situated in the completely different state of Queensland. Do American citizens even know Australia has states, not provinces like Canada? Do they even know Australia is a country?

Or maybe the report-maker was just lazy? Your guess.

Piers Morgan shares disturbing cartoon of him pleasuring Trump, makes it go viral. Why is this news, The Independent? Please. Go home. You’re drunk.

And here’s the actually important stuff about him you may have missed

Stormy Daniels denies affair, The Independent reveals. After all the reports of adult actress Stormy Daniels “proving” she was having an affair with Donald Trump, the truth comes to light. The media made it all up. She never had an affair. Based on the comments section, #BelieveWomen doesn’t seem to apply here. Remember the cardinal rule: Only #BelieveWomen if it’s to denigrate Trump, and also if it fits your agenda. Politics is fun!

Donald Trump made a speech at State of the Union. Yeah, you probably already know this. He was owned and roasted and clapped back and he’s basically literally a fascist what with his nationalism. I mean, what other President in United States history has ever felt proud about living in the United States? None, I tell you! Sarcasm aside, he did make a speech. Here it is:

If you’re an American citizen, and care about what Donald Trump is doing to your country, then check it out instead of reading other people’s reviews and “fact checks”. If not for Trump’s face, just check out those two professional nodders and smilers in the background. Will Paul Ryan fall asleep? Can Mike Pence squint any more?

Check out the State of the Union address for yourself, and let me know down in the comments what you think.