Edited image by Maret Hosemann

Welcome to Trump’s Week in Review for the 18th of February, 2018.

What, it’s another week already? That means it’s been another week of useless, trivial news about President Donald Trump via your favorite source of information, the mainstream media! And, oh boy, they’re set to break the record for most trivial, useless news stories in a week.

But wait, there’s more! There is actually important news about Donald Trump this week! If you’re not just here to check out the frivolous balderdash—and you’re not kidding anyone if you’re pretending to be here for the crucial information—then scroll right down to the bottom for all the actually important stuff about him you may have missed.

Without further ado, let’s get down to business!

Donald Trump Blames FBI’s Attention on Russia Collusion for Missed Florida School Shooting Tip, says gossip rag People, among multiple other sites. The tweet from Trump comes just after the FBI admitted to receiving several credible tips about Florida shooter Nikolas Cruz, which were ignored. What!? You’re saying Donny Dump’d is telling the truth about the FBI missing their chance at stopping the latest U.S. shooting? Surely you jest!? Well, the only seemingly silly thing is that The Russians are being mentioned yet again.

Under Trump, America’s religious right is rewriting its code of ethics, warns The Guardian. Uh, guys, the religious right have been rewriting their code of ethics long before Donald Trump was President. This article also mentions the now-debunked claim of Trump’s affair with porn star Stormy Daniels. Guys, if you want people to trust you and for El Trump to not call you out as Fake News, then stop reporting fake news.

The enemy is at our gates. What is the president doing about it? says a column by the Chicago Sun Times. It’s Russians. The article is about Russians. Reporters and journalists really do seem to think the Cold War is still going, don’t they?

This Scene in Black Panther Is the Ultimate Clapback to Donald Trump, says Popsugar. Totally👏Owned👏Am👏I👏Right💅💅💅💯💯!? Popsugar is one of many, many sites and news sources talking about how Black Panther is the greatest superhero movie of our time, and are rewriting history to pretend it’s the first movie with a black superhero (*cough* Blade) and the first black superhero, like, ever. In this instance, however, the post-credits scene of Black Panther totally owns Trump with its quote from character King T’Challa, which destroys amirite Trump’s controversial plan to build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico. Wow.

Donald Trump Makes Golf Look Bad, says Joe Zimmerman from the New York Times. In Zimmerman’s words:

Golf was so close! It was so close to moving beyond that stereotype — the image of a rich, old, unathletic white man making sexist jokes and trading real estate tips. The image of someone like Donald Trump.

It also includes this “zinger”, in the words of the previous Popsugar article: “Tiger Woods started to make it seem cool…But [he] disappeared for a while”. Erm…did you guys forget the cheating scandal or something? Basically, this article is complaining about how Trump is ruining golf, how he doesn’t play golf morally like all the other golfers, and how he’s wasting time not being President (which Zimmerman probably doesn’t like anyway) and raising his kids (who Zimmerman probably doesn’t like anyway). Boring. Next article.

Former Playmate alleges she had affair with Donald Trump, says the Sydney Morning Herald. Yay, another unsubstantiated rumor! This time, renowned journalist Ronan Farrow reports in The New Yorker about the firsthand account of Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal, who “recounts her consensual affair with the President before he was elected”. Is it real? Who knows? Likely it’s just another story that will be debunked in a month’s time, but you’ll still hear it referred to as truth by the mainstream media.

Donald Trump ‘caught having sex with waitress in corridor’ during business meeting, Brit entrepreneur claims. Oh, look, another unsubstantiated claim, this time reported by Daily Mirror. This time property developer Peter de Savary claims his wife walked in on Trump having sex with a waitress while Trump—or Trymp, according to Daily Mirror’s spelling—was married to first wife Ivana.

In the same vein, we also have Omarosa Is Asked on Celebrity Big Brother If She Slept With Donald Trump, courtesy of E! News. Omarosa is Trump’s former aide Omarosa Manigault Newman. And guess what she said?

Hell no! God…that’s horrible…Now, there is somebody in the White House who is sleeping around with everybody, but she is not me. I’ve never had to do that.

She? [insert joke about how the person who is sleeping around with everybody is Trump himself]

If you’re still not sick of all this TRUMP HAD SEX, CHEATED ON MELANIA, EVEN THOUGH WE HATE MELANIA AND DON’T CARE ONE BIT ABOUT HER!! “news”, well The Spectator is here with the ultimate article: Is Donald Trump heading for his Monica Lewinsky moment? Probably not. So far you’ve accused a ton of women of having sex with Donald Trump, all to no avail. What’s to think a legitimate claim is going to stick? This article also mentions the debunked Stormy Daniels story. Daniels herself said it wasn’t real. Where’s #BelieveWomen when you need it?

It’s been a full year since Donald Trump last held a news conference, says CNN. Oh no! Stop the presses! Oh, wait, it’s not like Donald Trump needs to hold a news conference. The press would likely ignore what he says anyway, and focus on his hands, how he’s holding the mic, how the U.S. flag in the background represents how fascistic he is, and how many breaths he takes per sentence. C’mon, guys, you make your own news regardless!

Republicans look to Mitt Romney to provide moral counterweight to Donald Trump,
says Global News in Canada. Wait, the same Mitt Romney, ex-Presidential candidate, who sympathized with terrorist group ANITFA? Ah, America, you never fail to entertain.

Is Donald Trump a Traitor? That’s the million dollar question from The Intercept. Short answer: No. Especially when the first sentence of this article is:

I find it hard to write about Donald Trump.

Jeez, you’re supposed to be members of a supposed Resistance? Yet you balk at the thought of writing about the alleged Dictator in Chief.

The long answer? Russians. Collusion. Vladimir Putin. Russia! Of course.

Donald Trump tries to hold Melania’s hand – but she is having none of it, says Metro. We’re still “reporting” on this? Seriously? Maybe’s she just feels uncomfortable showing affection in the front of the press? Maybe they’re in a loveless marriage? It’s not affecting his Presidency. It really isn’t in the public interest. It’s not important.

Donald Trump breaks political tweetstorm for Daytona 500 tweet, says Yahoo Sports. He tweeted. Wow. Breaking news!

DREAMers are at risk because of Donald Trump. Period, says Vox, who then proceed to give us an entire article. If it’s just “THIS. Period.” then why is there a need for a full article? Aren’t we meant to just take you on your word? Disappointed.

Don’t expect the women who enable Trump to be better than the men, says The Washington Post. Those evil fifty-something percent of white women who support Trump are clearly evil enabling internalized misogyknees. Basically, it’s a criticism of Trump’s right-hand women, such as Kellyanne Conway, who suggested strong women have nothing to fear from abusive spouses (which is admittedly insensitive and plain wrong). The article starts with Colbie Horderness, who was allegedly abused by her ex-husband, disgraced former White House staff secretary Rob Porter, saying Conway’s statements were  misguided and she “expected a woman to do better”.

Washington Post says they admire Holderness for saying that, and that Trump is hemorrhaging support for women, with only internalized misogynist traitors like Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Romna Romney McDaniel, and the traitorous female Fox News workers betraying their entire gender, who:

work for, rationalize and sacrifice integrity to defend the indefensible, we should expect them to be just as clueless, disingenuous and morally vacant as the men who have chosen to tie themselves to Trump’s mast.

Remember, only men can be evil. Patriarchy and all, right? There’s also a slew of antisemitism in this article, if the hatred against wrong-thinking women wasn’t enough. Why aren’t these women/Jews thinking how we want them to think? is likely the mindset of The Washington Post. How about we call them evil neo-Nazi supporters, supporting a fascist, evil ideology, and maybe then we’ll guilt them into being loyal and abiding.

Expecting all women to be innocent, good people sounds kinda patriarchal in thinking, one might think.

And here’s the actually important stuff about him you may have missed

US President Donald Trump signs a bill aimed at preventing systemic sexual assault as scandal engulfs the White House, says CNN. The measure is to prevent “the kind of systemic sexual abuse pee perpetrated by Olympic gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar, who was recently sentenced to 40 to 175 years in prison“, who abused more than 150 women and girls. Of course, many are turning this into a “Hypocrite Trump! He’s an abuser too! Impeach! Impeach!” moment, ignoring that most of Trump’s abuse allegations are unsubstantiated, and there is nowhere near 150 women accusing Trump of the horrific actions akin to Larry Nassar.

The legislation creates an organization independent of the US Olympic Committee that would be responsible for receiving and handling inquiries and reports about abuse and making sure that allegations are promptly reported to law enforcement when necessary or resolved internally.

Sounds like important legislation!

The Trump administration wants to turn the International Space Station into a commercially run venture, NASA document shows, says the Washington Post. According to documents, the White House wishes to stop funding the station by 2024, which is not good at all.

The decision to end direct federal support for the ISS in 2025 does not imply that the platform itself will be deorbited at that time — it is possible that industry could continue to operate certain elements or capabilities of the ISS as part of a future commercial platform…NASA will expand international and commercial partnerships over the next seven years in order to ensure continued human access to and presence in low Earth orbit

In the words of Ted Cruz, we hope that these documents “prove as unfounded as Bigfoot”, because this is very bad news if true.