Edited image by Mary Pahlke

Welcome to Trump’s Week in Review for the 18th of March, 2018.

It’s another week of the Current Year 2018, and unsurprisingly, the number of useless, trivial articles about President Donald Trump show no sign of dwindling. In the same era —The #TimesUp Era, as certain clickbait sites may say—as Donald Trump trying to ban video games and implying he wants to be President forever, the mainstream media thinks we want to read about how disgusting his favorite food—meatloaf—is, how the creator of Monty Python thinks he can’t be parodied, and how this “journalist” can’t be bothered watching a single second of Fox & Friends but still expects you to believe what he says has any credence.

It’s so useless and trivial, but that’s what you’re here for…because banality and triviality is entertaining! Let’s start with everyone’s favorite “Fake News”…

Trump approval rating improves slightly, but still underwater, says CNN, just three weeks after dramatically declaring Donald Trump’s approval rating to be 35 percent, “down five points over the last month to match his lowest level yet”. What’s the percentage this time? 43 percent! Improves slightly? CNN seriously thinks an eight percent improvement in three weeks is a slight improvement? Oh wait, it seems CNN has already forgotten about their own “poll”. If you want to know what’s worse, the MSNBC poll that shows his increase in popularity is a poll of only 1100 people, via a phone survey. What the poll does show is barely anyone who was polled has an impartial opinion of the President; they either “strongly disagree” or “strongly agree” with his politics.

Donald Trump Said About Lying: ‘You Just Tell Them and They Believe. They Just Do,’ Claims Billy Bush, claims the dying Newsweek. Apparently Donald Trump once told Access Hollywood “host” Billy Bush:

Billy, look, you just tell them and they believe it. That’s it: you just tell them and they believe. They just do.

Shock horror! He lies! *insert conspiracy about Russia and Hillary* If we get past all the clickbait—and, yes, there’s lots of clickbait—this is an article about the failing ratings of The Apprentice, and how you can just lie to people that The Apprentice’s ratings are good, and anyone will believe it. The USA Today article about the exact same thing has a completely different headline. Nothing about the Presidency. Nothing about “grab her by the pussy”. The article also ends by saying Billy Bush hasn’t spoken to Trump in about four years, which kind of negates any beliefs Billy Bush has about modern-day Donald Trump.

In the latest ridiculous New York Times opinion piece about Trump we have Trump and the Truth: A President Tests His Own Credibility by Peter Baker. This piece refers to Donald Trump admitting he’d invented a fact during his meeting with Justin Trudeau.He apparently didn’t seem to care, and was “openly boasting” about this seeming faux pas, despite this same article later revealing he openly admitted to the mistake in a seemingly honest way. Does New York Times not get it yet? A mere screw-up won’t derail Donald Trump, no matter how you try? That’s how he built his Presidency: to set the bar so low you won’t  actually care if he makes a mistake, or you will care, but nobody else will. It also doesn’t help Baker tries to show George W. Bush as more of an honest man, despite Bush’s appalling track record with the War on Terror.

According to PolitiFact, 69 percent of Trump’s assertions throughout his Presidency have been revealed as false, compared to 42 percent under previous Republican nominees Mitt Romney and John McCain. So…basically Trump is just being a better politician than most politicians? This quote from Patrick Caddell, who has previously worked for both Trump and former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, sums it up best:

In Washington, D.C., facts don’t matter; people have narratives, including the media, and they just ignore anything that doesn’t fit that…Why should the American people punish him when they think the entire political culture is that way?

Can I cook like…Donald Trump? is the name of a blatantly trivial opinion piece by The Guardian’s Stephen Bush. There’s a lot of Bushes popping up this week, aren’t there? This article is just Bush mocking Donald Trump’s favorite food meatloaf, and saying he understands how angry Donald Trump is if his favorite food is meatloaf. There is a joke to be made here about Stephen Bush, an Englishman, criticizing meatloaf, a meal which is notably bland. Pot, meet kettle.

To make meatloaf, you take minced meat, spices, stale breadcrumbs and eggs, mix them together into a kind of paste, put it in a loaf tin, bake it for two hours, then serve with some form of carbohydrate

From the country known for its bland palate of meat and three veg, it’s ironic this Englishman is criticizing Trump for enjoying bland food. He then goes on to mention Trump’s preferred lunch—the hamburger. His verdict: Trump’s favorite hamburgers are disappointing, much like his Presidency. Are we really surprised a Guardian writer is saying this? Nope. Next!

Donald Trump’s bull run comes to an end with Democratic win in Pennsylvania, reports ABC News in Australia. Make that “the shock Democratic win in Pennsylvania”. What do you mean “shock”? According to mainstream media, Left-leaning voters and Democrats make up like 210 percent of voters, and the tiny fraction left are just Russian bots and Literal Nazis. Wait a second…my calculator must be broken. Anyway, to call this win a “shock” is completely ridiculous. Anyway, the ABC—which is notoriously Left-leaning to anyone except the far-Left, who deride it as being Right-wing propaganda—use this as an excuse to mock Donald Trump, using words like “lording it up” and “downright ‘giddy'” to explain Trump before the results were announced.

The fireworks of Saturday’s spectacle cannot mask the huge upset in the Republican heartland that now presages an immense Democratic wave that could re-take at least one of the houses of Congress this November. Republicans are on edge now in the aftermath of this by-election result.

Read: LOL! He gonna lose! Haha Trumpkins, you looooose! Ner ner ner ner ner!

When is a deal not a deal? When Donald Trump is involved, says ABC News Australia’s Micheline Maynard in an opinion piece. Donald Trump doesn’t honor the time-honored tenets of negotiating and THAT IS BAD.

Donald Trump seems not to know, or care, about any of those rules. And, his attitude toward negotiation is resulting in global confusion.

Global confusion? Oh no! That’s literally a nuclear Holocaust and the end of the world is definitely imminent! No, he just wants to talk with Kim Jong-Un and North Korea after he’s said some bad things about them. The ghostwriter of Trump’s book The Art  of the Deal, says Trumpo has a different approach to negotiating than most people, in that he refuses to agree to a deal until the last possible moment, and even when a deal is done, it isn’t done. Though is this surprising? This is the same man who says he regularly fires staffers to keep the White House fresh. Clearly he likes doing the same thing with potentially world-changing deals. Concerning, yes, but news? Not really.

In an entirely different article by the ABC, they think this could be his Richard Nixon moment. The obligatory “He’ll be impeached. Any second now. Any millisecond” article of the week has been located. And it’s exactly what you’d expect. Next!

Celebrities have reacted to Donald J. Trump again, and this time it’s O.J. Simpson! According to CNN, O.J. spoke to The Buffalo News, the local paper of his old NFL team, about the Colin Kaepernick controversy and Donald Trump. Here’s what he said:

Somebody asked me if I’d have voted for him…Probably not, but I only know two of my friends I’d vote to be president. Some of my best, best besties I would not vote to be president.

The one thing I can say about The Donald is The Donald is fun…Well, for a dude — and I consider myself a dude — Donald is a man’s man.

CNN says at the end of their article that O.J. and The Don used to be close buds until O.J. was accused of murdering his wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. You know, these sorts of things tend to affect a friendship.

Terry Gilliam, creator of Monty Python, also reacted. According to The Guardian, this is what Gilliam said:

For years I was saying we are getting to the point of having a complete conman for a president. And now here we are…

For somebody who likes turning things upside down, I should be enjoying this – but Trump is an idiot.

Basically, he thinks Trump is too much of a joke, he couldn’t even be parodied in Monty Python.

Retired Four-Star General Calls Donald Trump a “Serious Threat” to National Security, says Mother Jones. Here’s what he said:

Mother Jones uses this to latch onto what they consider all of Trump’s boo-boos, which basically amounts to Russia Russia Russia Russia for two paragraphs.

Donald Trump, the first porn President, dramatically declares the Sydney Morning Herald. Opinion writer Maureen Dowd says we should really be thinking of a porn star moniker for Donald Trump in the wake of the Stormy Daniels allegations. Since he is so utterly shameless, he’s had affairs with multiple women, despite Trump himself denying it, and women are brilliant and fearless and will vote him out of office. It’s a textbook feminist anti-Trump article.  Nothing new here. Though it does have this, how shall we say it, interesting, paragraph:

When [Stormy Daniels] asked what was up with his hair, he laughed with her about it. He gave her his ultimate compliment, comparing her to Ivanka. And he didn’t ask to do anything kinky.

On Russia, There Are Two Trumps, Politico tells us. There is the Trump Administration, who cares about denouncing and stopping Russia, and there is Trump, who does not. Unlike those who work under him, Trump is not nearly outraged enough about The Russians. While Rex Tillerson and Niki Haley completely criticized Russia for their alleged involvement in the poisoning of the double agent in the U.K., Trump merely said “It certainly looks like the Russians were behind it”. Russia. Is. Bad. And. Trump. Isn’t. Reacting. Like. We. Want. Him. To.

Donald Trump Spent Sunday Morning With His Other Family, says Mother Jones. Methinks Mother Jones’s Ben Dreyfuss is just upset Trumpy won’t spend time with him. Basically: Trump watches Fox & Friends. And Dreyfuss, who clearly has never watched Fox & Friends, tries to tell you what it’s like. C’mon, you can’t claim Fox News is some cesspit of journalism when you can’t even be bothered putting in one iota of effort to watch it. If you can’t be bothered even watching Fox & Friends, then I can’t be bothered reading the rest of your article. I assume it’s something like this:

“The President is bad,” one Mother Jones writer presumably said. (I don’t read Mother Jones.)

“Actually, the president is Literally Hitler,” another I imagine countered.


And here’s the actually important stuff about him you may have missed

Afghan baby named after ‘infidel’ Donald Trump, tells Al Jazeera. This isn’t exactly about Trump per se, but Sayed Assadullah Pooya, an Afghani man, and his wife, named their child Donald Trump, and now the kid is a toddler, the country is outraged.

Some Facebook users have gone as far as threatening to kill Sayed for giving his son an “infidel name”, while others have accused him of endangering the boy’s life.

Sayed is apparently a fan of Donald Trump’s business books, and wanted a son who would be successful as the businessman-turned-President, but he was unaware of the backlash of giving his son a Western name. It’s simply a sad story showing how unfortunate it is this man can’t simply name his kid what he likes, even though this is the couple’s third child. What sounds like utter clickbait—and admittedly, it is—actually reveals a sad story of a man being harassed for admiring someone who does not share his nationality.

Trump team zeroes in on FBI, Russia probe in wake of ex-Deputy Director McCabe’s firing, says Fox News, while Reuters reports it as Trump critics attack firing of FBI’s McCabe as political move. Basically, FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe has been fired, and the internet is losing its collective shit.

McCabe was fired late Friday after an internal investigation found that he made an unauthorized leak to the media and “lacked candor” when speaking to investigators under oath. His firing came just days before he would have been eligible for a lifetime pension.

He was fired two days before he’d have been made eligible for a full pension, which is why Reuters is calling it a political move. Make of it what you will.

Rex Tillerson has also been fired from the White House, but that’s not really news, is it? Just another day at the White House.

And that’s it. Well, there’s probably some life-changing law Donald Trump is trying to pass, but can we see it under all the fluff, vanity and triviality? Until next time…