Edited image by Owantana

Welcome to Trump’s Week in Review for the 8th of April, 2018.

As we head fully into April of the Current Year, Donald J. Trump is still the President of the United States, and as usual, the trivial news stories are flowing about as freely as Trump’s hair in that masterful shot that the Whole Internet Is Talking About.

It’s been an eventful week. Is Donald Trump actually human? An ex-Mexican President says Trump’s hands are too small to build the border wall. His old barber thinks it’s weird he’s friendly and talks to people #NotMyPresident #ImpeachNow. As usual, if you want the actually important stuff about him you may have missed, why not scroll down to the bottom of this article? But we know you only want the triviality and fluff. So, without further ado, let’s get down to business!

Is Donald Trump Human? is the important question Mother Jones is asking its readers.

A fire broke out at Trump Tower yesterday, killing a tenant. America’s sociopath-in-chief took the opportunity to…praise his own building:

The victim was Todd Brassner, a former art dealer who had been in ill health recently.

Yes, Mother Jones, and you took the opportunity to take a dig at Donald Trump instead of, say, having compassion for the victim. And that’s the entire article. Yes, really. So, where’s the answer to the raging question? Please tell us, Mother Jones, we’d really like to know. Calling him a “sociopath-in-chief” seems to point to “Yes, he is human”. Unless Mother Jones is trying to tell us sociopaths aren’t human?

People, the gossip rag deceitfully masquerading around as Real News, also “reported” on the event: President Trump Brags About Trump Tower Being a ‘Well Built Building’ After Man Dies in Blaze. This piece lists the bare bones of the event, surprisingly, until the bottom, where it’s just Twitter users criticizing Trump for failing to mention Todd Brassner in his tweet. Everyone’s favorite buzzword, “Grow some empathy!” gets utilized in many of the tweets. While it is ignorant to not mention the victim, are people really surprised at this point?

Donald Trump to skip White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner for second year in a row, says News Limited. Oh noes, won’t somebody think about the poor pwess? How is this news even surprising? If he skipped it last year, odds are he’s likely not attending this year. It’s not like there wouldn’t be articles like 47 Embarrassing One Liners by Trump at the WHCA Dinner or Donald Trump Wore a Black Suit And It’s, Like, Literally the Worst. Though it’s not all bad:

The White House has informed us that the president does not plan to participate in this year’s dinner but that he will actively encourage members of the executive branch to attend and join us as we celebrate the First Amendment.

—Margaret Talev, president of the White House Correspondents’ Association

Sarah Huckabee Sanders instead will be participating at the event, so expect some ridiculous articles published about her instead.

New York Times editor says Trump attacks on press are out of control, warns The Guardian. Editor Dean Baquet was responding to this tweet of Donald Trump’s:

Baquet responded by saying Trump’s attacks on the press are”‘out of control’ and damaging ‘the civic life and debate of the country’.”

He also said: “I think the press will keep doing what it does, but … if [Trump] creates a culture where Fox & Friends and Jesse Watters are regarded as serious journalism, and the New York Times and the Washington Post are not, he will have done longstanding, harmful effect on the country”.

In any usual circumstance, one should definitely agree with Baquet. Freedom of speech and freedom of the press are vital. But these are the same news sites and sources criticizing Donald Trump for basically breathing, and then claiming that’s vital news and “in the public interest”. While they are doing some important reporting, you can’t just say reporting whatever baloney you want about the President is crucial to democracy.

They voted for Donald Trump. Now soybean farmers could get slammed by the trade war he started, says The Washington Post. According to The Washington Post themselves, soybean-producing counties voted for Trump by a margin of more than 12 percent, and now “China had proposed retaliatory tariffs on soybeans, corn and other row crops as part of a trade war the president started”, which directly affects these evil Trump voters. While the headline is a shameless clickbait grab intended to victim blame soybean farmers and blame them for their own failures, the article is slightly less so, and provides an interesting look into the lives of said farmers.

More celebrities and other famous people have reacted to Donald Trump. This time it’s Barack Obama’s former White House photographer Pete Souza who, according to HuffPost, made a series of Instagram posts subtly—and sometimes quite obviously—mocking the current President.

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox also reacted to Trump, mocking him with a t-shirt showing a toddler Trump playing with toy bricks with the words CAN’T BUILD A WALL IF YOUR HANDS ARE TOO SMALL. In his Twitter post, Fox links to the site where you can buy the shirt, and talks about his message of spreading compassion:

On the other hand, Dumpy’s still defending Roseanne and she still supports him, and people are not happy. He believes Roseanne can revive the forgotten parts of America. But, don’t worry, The Guardian is telling us it’s still okay to watch the reboot of Roseanne, even though she’s one of those 55 percent of white women who voted Trump.

Michelle Obama has compared Donald to Barack with a parenting metaphor

[Barack was] like having the good parent at home. You know, the responsible parent, the one who told you to eat your carrots and go to bed on time.

And now perhaps we have the other parent in the house. People thought it would be ‘fun’ to have Trump in charge because we can eat candy all day and stay up late and not follow the rules.

Donald Trump’s old barber says he’s a total ‘control freak’, says the New York Post. Adrian Wood, the owner of New York City’s largest barbershop, says Trump would “instruct barbers precisely where to snip his mane—and would never allow them to expose his bald spot”. Sounds reasonable, right? A lot of men—and some women—are self conscious with bald spots. Nope:

He’s a complete control freak. He dictates exactly how you cut every hair on his head. ‘Cut here, cut there. That’s enough.’ And you just do what he says.

Well, no duh, that’s exactly how a hairdresser works. If you ignore customer requests, and they come out with a haircut they don’t like, you’re not going to keep customers. Unless he’s behaving like one of those Can I Talk to the Manager types, this is not weird. However, the actual odd part is this:

He would come in unannounced and have his bodyguards and a limo outside.

Though that may just be because he was a yuppie, and we all know yuppies think the world revolves around them.

Something else that’s very interesting about him: He would talk to anybody in the shop. One second he’s talking to the shoe-shine man, the next minute David Rockefeller comes in and he’s talking to David Rockefeller.

Wow, human decency is now considered strange. Is this just a New York thing? Are people really that rude that being friendly sends everyone into a tailspin? For a man whose business was saved by Trump’s real estate advice, Adrian Wood doesn’t seem to be very thankful.

Donald Trump Actually Thinks He’s Popular, laughs The Nation. This article is basically one big LOL at Trump, and how he’s wildly overexaggerating poll results. And remember guys, He LoSt tHe PoPuLaR vOtE haha totally owned!1!

The Internet Can’t Stop Cracking Jokes About Donald Trump’s Hair Blowing in the Wind, says TIME. Ah yes, that sentient Internet has returneth from the wilderness and is back to…crack jokes about Donald Trump’s hair. The hair really speaks for itself:

But is this news? To put it mildly: No.

And here’s the actually important stuff about him you may have missed

Trump’s Retail Website Only Pays Sales Taxes In 2 States. Amazon Pays Taxes In 45, reports HuffPost. Those two states are Florida and Louisiana, by the way. While there are many problems with Amazon and its founder Jeff Bezos, this is not one of them. TrumpStore.com should really be thinking of paying sales taxes on its online shipments in New York, as well as paying tax in general, because as we all know, millionaires and billionaires really loathe paying tax and need to start paying their fair share. While we’re not sure about Jeff Bezos personally, it’s welcoming his company is doing something Trump’s businesses should already be doing.

Donald Trump says he didn’t know lawyer paid $US130K to porn star, says the Sydney Morning Herald. While being interviewed by journalists, Trump said he didn’t pay off Stormy Daniels, and his attorney Michael Cohen was the one who would know more. While this isn’t important news on its own, it is nice to know Donald Trump has responded to the allegations: He said “No.” Though The Washington Post responded in typically ridiculous fashion: their headline screams Is Trump lying about the hush money? Yeah, he could be, but clickbait headlines like that won’t get you any closer to the answer. At least they’re telling us it’s not a matter of public interest, as the alleged affair happened before Trump was President, though they do believe he should stop lying, if he indeed is lying.

In the same vein as the Stormy Daniels allegations, a New book claims Melania Trump broke up with Donald Trump early into their relationship, according to News Limited and an array of other sites. Apparently, Melania Trump temporarily broke up with Trump after discovering he was still in touch with ex-girlfriend Kara Young. It took about a week for Melania to actually get back with Trump after the falling out. Ronald Kessler’s book The Trump White House: Changing the Rules of the Game also asserts Melania has more influence over Donald than people realize.

Is Ronald Kessler’s book just another Fire and Fury? Let’s wait and see.