Edited image by Lisette Brodey

Welcome to Trump’s Week in Review for the 15th of April, 2018.

Wow, what a big week it has been for President Donald Trump! He’s announced that the United States, in conjunction with France and the United Kingdom, will launch air strikes on Syria, completely backflipping on his election promise of not launching air strikes on Syria. Despite this, the mainstream media has still found it in their schedules to report on the utterly trivial and useless goings-on of President Donald J. Trump.

So if you’ve had enough of the Syria-WWIII talks, then why not read ahead to hear the fascinating tell-all of the “pee tape” claims in James Comey’s latest book, or that Alex Jones, the Queen, Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro are the latest personalities to freak out about Trump? You know you want to read more…

Column: Donald Trump’s presidency is collapsing, says Rex Huppke from the Chicago Tribune. Mate, hasn’t it been collapsing since the very beginning, or is this a special sort of collapsing collapsing? Huppke lists all of Trump’s current scandals, including the “pee tape” scandal, former FBI Director James Comey’s new book, an unreliable account of Trump receiving a suspicious payoff during the U.S. Presidential Election, and more. That’s just Thursday, Huppke notes. Basically, he’s saying Trump has too many scandals for his Presidency to last. But, hey, if he’s survived this many close calls, we doubt his Presidency is collapsing just yet.

Speaking of the “pee tape”, here’s Absolutely Every Single Thing We Know About the Pee Tape, courtesy of The Cut. It’s exactly what you think it is. In James Comey’s book A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership, Comey mentions that Trump asked him to look into the existence of the infamous and debunked pee tape, so The Cut is going to refresh your memory about a controversy everyone has long forgotten about. So if you really care about it, The Cut has all the goss…

It seems everyone has something to say about James Comey’s news book. ABC News tells us Comey book claims President Trump sought loyalty like mafia boss ‘Sammy the Bull’s’ induction ceremony, in which Trump told Comey during their “now-famous, private White House dinner” after his inauguration that “I need loyalty. I expect loyalty”. Comey said of this:

The demand was like Sammy the Bull’s Cosa Nostra induction ceremony [referring to Salvatore “Sammy the Bull” Gravano, a former leader of the Gambino crime family, whose testimony ultimately helped convict mob boss John Gotti]

Iranian Supreme leader calls Donald Trump a ‘criminal’ following airstrike on Syria, says Global News in Canada, who apparently listen to the words of the Iranian Ayatollah before they do Donald Trump. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said the air strikes on Syria were a crime with no benefit:

Today’s dawn attack on Syria is a crime. I clearly declare that the president of the United States, the president of France and the British prime minister are criminals

Regardless of the truth of what the Ayatollah is saying, it’s ironic that news sites seem to be reporting on him as if he is a good and clearly not criminal leader, and implying he is someone the United States should look up to. Hint: We shouldn’t be looking up to the Iranian Supreme Leader.

A high-ranking Russian politician is comparing Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler, says AOL, which surprisingly still exists. Russia’s deputy head of the Duma’s defence committee Alexander Sherin, said that Trump “can be called Adolf Hitler no. 2 of our time because, you see, he even chose the time that Hitler attacked the Soviet Union”. Sherin, as well as a bunch of other Russian political figures, also denounced the air strikes in Syria as being a direct threat to Russia, but the Hitler reference is more clickbaity, amirite AOL? But doesn’t Sherin realize the American far-Left has already done the Hitler-Trump comparisons to death?

Former doorman involved in story of alleged Trump affair speaks, says CNN. In typical circumstances, this would go under the important stuff section of this review. However, said doorman was paid off by the National Enquirer, and the doorman himself is upset what he thought was a private conversation was leaked (though, to be honest, can you really trust a “private conversation” with someone from a gossip rag?). Trump Tower doorman Dino Sajudin said this, but the veracity of the claims are uncertain:

I can confirm that while working at Trump World Tower I was instructed not to criticize President Trump’s former housekeeper due to a prior relationship she had with President Trump which produced a child.

That didn’t stop actually reputable news sites like the New Yorker and the Associated Press from immediately reporting on the claims. The only interesting part is that apparently the story wasn’t widely circulated because one of Trump’s friends is supposedly the editor of the National Enquirer, and he said it shouldn’t be reported on. Does this mean Trumpy’s done an Arnold Schwarzenegger? Who knows? But it does make this story worthy of a gossip rag.

The Story Behind TIME’s ‘Stormy’ Donald Trump Cover, says TIME themselves. It depicts the ever-growing chaos inside the current White House administration that the artist Tim O’Brien didn’t believe could get to the level it has, and the two different covers are just the sixth time in TIME’s 95-year-history that two covers have been designed for the same issue—and one of the previous time was also El Trumpo! Well, now you know. Saved you a click.

Trump’s Feud With Amazon Is Now Costing America Money, says Esquire, which passively-aggressively has this subheading: The president is investigating the Post Office’s finances, presumably because he’s mad at Jeff Bezos. Normal. It’s exactly what it says. Esquire believes Trump has a personal vendetta with Amazon/Washington Post head Jeff Bezos, so he wants to take out his Literally Hitler rage out on this by wasting taxpayer dollars. Hey, that sounds awfully Right-wing of Esquire, doesn’t it? Trump has “issued an executive order creating a government task force to examine the ‘unsustainable financial path’ of the United States Postal Service”, they tell us. Whether it’s for a petty grudge or something more, The Cut’s article is dripping in so much annoyance-masked-as-“sarcasm” at Trump, it’s absurd.

Celebrities are reacting, and as usual, we care what they think. Vulture has this wonderful article Just Imagine Ben Stiller’s Michael Cohen Vs. Robert De Niro’s Robert Mueller As a Bizarre Meet the Parents Fever Dream, which Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller totally owning Donny Drumpf in this “sketch parodying a movie, which itself was based on another movie”.

On the right-wing front, News Limited reported on Alex Jones’s alleged meltdown over Trump, in which he states “Is no one pure in this world? F**k Trump” after hearing about the air strikes on Syria.

I just feel like I just had my best girlfriend break up with me. The left will make jokes but this ain’t funny, man. He was doing good and that’s what makes it so bad. If he’d been a piece of crap from the beginning it wouldn’t be so bad. Damn it man. Is no one pure in this God damn world?

The Queen is the latest personality to mock Donald Trump, according to CNN. While walking through the gardens of Buckingham Palace with David Attenborough for a documentary, the tranquility of the walk is ruined by a helicopter flying above, and she said this:

Why do they always go round and round when you want to talk? It sounds like President Trump…or President Obama.

Guilt by association is strong in The Guardian’s opinion piece May has tied us to Donald Trump. She must face the consequences, in which Polly Toynbee denounces U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May for supporting Trump’s air strikes on Syria. Why, isn’t this history repeating itself, with May as the role of Tony Blair, and Donald Trump as George W. Bush? But Toynbee is annoyed at the evil pro-Brexit monster Theresa May who, because she is a conservative, is ultimately connected to Trump. But Theresa May has a negative rating in the polls, whines Polly Toynbee. There’s a lot of flak hitting Theresa May, but much like with Donald Trump, a lot of it isn’t going to stick.

And here’s the actually important stuff about him you may have missed

Well, you probably haven’t missed this:

Yikes. Enough said.

However, clickbait reigns supreme in the alleged “Fake News”, who reported on this tweet with such ridiculous headlines as 3 things Donald Trump did wrong in his taunting Russia tweet (CNN) and America Is About to Risk a World War to Defend the Credibility of Trump’s Tweets (New Yorker). Uh, New Yorker, you were all for a war on Syria when you were supporting Hillary Clinton in the polls, and she was not quiet about her wanting WWIII. To think this is simply about Trump’s Twitter usage is to massively downsize the issue to “If Trump didn’t have Twitter, this wouldn’t exist!” Ban guns! Ban Twitter! Ban everything!

Though, there is interesting news on this front: ABC News in Australia reported on Donald Trump’s utter backflip of the idea of attacking Syria. They link to a 2016 Reuters article: Exclusive: Trump says Clinton policy on Syria would lead to World War Three, which was widely noted as one of the reasons U.S. voters voted Donald Trump instead of Hillary. To hear him completely renege on one of his major promises is insulting to United States Republican voters, to say the least:

In an interview with Reuters, then Republican candidate Trump, said the focus should be more on Islamic State than Bashar al Assad’s Syria; indeed ousting Assad, he argued, was “secondary, to me, to ISIS”.

In other, not-quite-so-interesting news, President Donald Trump has canceled his trip to Lima, Peru, for a regional summit with other heads of Latin American and Caribbean countries…and sent Mike Pence in his place. However, CNN reigns Clickbait Leaders  with their headline Why Trump chickened out of going to Peru. CNN believes this will drive a wedge between the United States of America and the rest of the Americas, but that’s just an excuse. In reality, the job of the Vice President is to be there when the President can’t, and Mike Pence will do fine—well, as fine as Mike Pence can do.