Edited image by Heblo

Welcome to Trump’s Week in Review for the 22nd of April, 2018.

Fresh off the bat of the Syria bombing and threats of World War III last week—you haven’t forgotten already, have you?—you’d think the mainstream media would be ready and willing to report on the important happenings of President Donald Trump. You’d be wrong. While a few sites here and there are still talking about Syria and chemical warfare, everyone else is wondering how much of a white supremacist Trumpy is, why he didn’t attend Barbara Bush’s funeral, and a bunch more celebrities than usual are reacting and casting their disdain for the U.S. President.

If you want to know that Robert De Niro would never play Trump in a movie, that Barack Obama and First Lady Melania may be becoming BFFs and Trump is—according to us—not happy about it one bit, or that a Chicago Tribune reporter thinks he should be called Sleazy Donald Trump instead of Narcissistic Donald Trump, then this is the place for you! Unless you want to read the actually important stuff about him you may have missed? But who wants that when there is so much utter triviality? Let’s get started, eh?

Is it a coincidence that Trump uses the language of white supremacy? In this Washington Post article, the “language of white supremacy” is the word “breeding”. And opinion writer Dana Milbank says this has been used before by another white supremacist: Adolf Hitler. Donald Trump is Adolf Hitler! They both drink water too! Is there no-one else available for these people to compare Trump? While the term “breeding” is disgusting in itself, and implies immigrants are less than human, it does not make Donald Trump Adolf Hitler or even a white supremacist. Not everything needs to be a Nazi reference. This is just a typical right-wing belief: that immigrants are not true Americans. He is not the first right-winger to believe this.

CNN reported too, albeit with less clickbait, surprisingly: Trump blasts ‘breeding’ in sanctuary cities. That’s a racist term. Yes, yes it is.

Democrats sue Trump campaign and Russia over 2016 election loss, says ABC News in Australia, though it was trending on Facebook, so doubtless everyone is talking about this. If you thought this was an article from The Onion, you were wrong. This is very real.

The Democratic Party has sued President Donald Trump’s campaign, his son, his son-in-law, the Russian Federation and WikiLeaks, saying they conspired to help Mr Trump win the 2016 presidential election.

And you’re saying Donald Trump is the “mentally unfit” one? He’s not suing an entire country. At least not yet. But we can’t mock him when it does inevitably happen, because Hillary’s gone and done it first. Nothing can be said about this. It’s simply absurd. Trump Derangement Syndrome has reached an all-time low.

Donald Trump Isn’t Going to Like This Photo Very Much, says Splinter. Why? Because it has wife Melania smiling alongside the Obamas, the Clintons and the Bushes. They are at the funeral of Barbara Bush, the First Lady of George H.W Bush and mother of George W. Bush, which Trump himself declined to attend because he didn’t wish for an increased security risk. Reasonable, right? Not to Splinter.

Thankfully, Donald Trump stayed far away from former first lady Barbara Bush’s funeral services

In a clearly unbiased article (sarcasm intended) they criticize Trump for playing golf and tweeting from the Mar-a-Lago instead of, I don’t know, begging at their feet for forgiveness. More confusingly, Splinter mocks Trump because Melania is seen smiling with Barack Obama. Are you telling me she has to look sad and angered in the presence of the former President? That didn’t stop George W. Bush from wrapping his arms around supposed rival  (remember: he’s a Republican, she’s a Democrat) Hillary Clinton in the aforementioned photograph.

Celebrities are still reacting! This time it’s Robert De Niro, who said he will never play Donald Trump in a movie, according to News Limited’s gossip section Page Six. In a very Tumblr story, a fan asked De Niro who he would refuse to play in a movie at the Q&A section of the Tribeca Film Festival. No need to guess who he answered with. According to News Limited, the “entire audience erupted with applause and cheers”, further solidifying the millions of reblogs he will no doubt receive.

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Mitt Romney also reacted, says he’ll make decision on supporting Trump in 2020 ‘down the road’, according to CNN. Why? He believes he might register as an Independent for Utah, and he needs to know the full scope of Trump’s policies and how it will effect Utah before he decides. Doesn’t sound so clickbaity now, does it CNN?

Ivana Trump marks off the trifecta of reactions; she thinks Donald Trump should ‘just go and play golf’ instead of running for reelection, wants Ivanka to get out of DC, and feels sorry for Melania Trump. Thanks Business Insider. Does anyone actually care what Ivana Trump, who hasn’t been relevant since the 1980s, thinks? Yawn.

Oh wait, there’s more! J.K. Rowling Trolls Donald Trump With a “Harry Potter” Reference. Wait, this isn’t news! J.K. tells us “there is a Boggart on the loose in Times Square”, and Teen Vogue warns us “Only true Hogwarts students will understand”. This is getting absurd. Harry Potter is not the only book with political themes in existence. And, if you’ve read Harry Potter at all, there are more characters/creatures that represent Trump: *cough cough* Cornelius Fudge. Better yet, read another book.

Kanye West has been a bad, bad boy! Washington Post is telling us Kanye West’s embrace of a black Trump supporter was not well-received. It starts with this useless sentence:

Hip-hop artist Kanye West was criticized by the left for his support of Donald Trump during the 2016 presidential race.

What? You’re telling me the Left doesn’t like the Right-wing candidate? Next you’ll be telling me the Opposition Leader has criticized the current leader!?! What did West say this time?

Oh no! Batten down the hatches! Kanye West said he agreed with a black Trump supporter. A “black Trump supporter”? But…but fifty percent of white women! We can’t have black people vote for someone we dislike. Sounds awfully racist of you to tell black people who they should and shouldn’t be voting for, Washington Post.

Will he or won’t he run in 2020? We say No, but he says Yes. According to the Salt Lake Tribune’s Joe Scarborough, It’s becoming clear that Trump won’t run in 2020. Why? He can’t possibly continue ” trash[ing] the rule of law, attack[ing] federal judges and declar[ing] America’s free press the “enemy of the people”. He racist, a monster, and enabled by enablers (what a horrible insult to victims of abuse,Scarborough). The main reason is because Scarborough believes the entire Trump family will be behind barsany millisecond. And our daughters may finally get to see women destroy him! One day! This article was also in the Washington Post under the same headline.

Despite this CNN says he’s running again. And that’s a problem. They list some of the same reasons as Scarborough: his fellow Republicans don’t like him. Yet the same thing happened in 2016, and didn’t stop him from winning.

But what about Life After Trump? The Weekly Standard has your answer. How will Trump Make America Great Again? How will we deal with the aftermath? Will there be an apocalypse? This article also uses the term “centrist Republicans”. What? You mean “center-right”? They really are right that the Democrats have swung even more Left. Politics is fun!

In useless news of the day: He asked for it! Pinning a nickname on ____ Donald Trump. Chicago Tribune’s Eric Zorn wants you to give Trump a nickname! Zorn says he’s tired of Trump giving nicknames to his rivals on Twitter, so:

We could continue to go high, putting the backs of our wrists on our foreheads and moaning in despair about how degrading such juvenile rhetoric is to our civic life.

Or we could go just as low.

Exactly what we’d expect. Fighting fire with fire. So Eric Zorn asked his Facebook friends “What one adjective best describes Donald Trump?” Over 320 adjectives were received, with only five favorable results (echo chambers at work?) The results? In order of most votes to least: Narcissistic, sleazy, disgusting, vile/immoral/amoral, despicable/mendacious/sad. Though Zorn prefers “Sleazy”.

Trump Lied He Was ‘Ladies Man’ At All-Male School, Biographer Says, announces HuffPost. Is this really a surprise? Most people try to trump up their high school experience, and being at an all-male school doesn’t mean you suddenly have no contact with women. Pulitzer prize-winning Michael D’Antonio says Trump has been lying since he was a child, pretending he was better at baseball than he really was. Just like a lot of kids. Next you’ll be telling me that when he was four, he took the extra piece of cake. Oh no! Impeach! Just because someone overexaggerates their accomplishments and achievements, doesn’t mean anyone will believe them—as evidenced by Michael D’Antonio.

And here’s the actually important stuff about him you may have missed

Donald Trump Did Something Smart Today. It Involved Oil, says Slate. He’s not happy about the price of oil, just like us regular folks. He wants to help us! “Global oil prices are up roughly 46 percent over the past year”, but there is still plenty of oil, so there’s clearly no need for the excessive prices, and Slate is agreeing with Trump on something for once and the world has exploded andOh wait, that’s just the microwave beeping. False alert.

Donald Trump breaks silence on Stormy Daniels saga, says News Limited. This is what he said:

What does this mean? It means he’s denying the affair, and claiming it was a con job by Stormy Daniels, who is allegedly playing the Fake News Media for fools. What did people think he would say? That he would gladly admit to having an affair?

Reporter says Donald Trump used alter ego ‘John Barron’ to get onto Forbes 400 list, says USA Today.

The reporter tasked with interviewing people for the Forbes 400 recently rediscovered the tapes of him talking to John Barron, a Trump Organization executive in the 1980s.

Plot twist: John Barron is Donald Trump himself! Is this more of the lying El Trumpo’s biographer Michael D’Antonio mentioned, or is this just something made up by the Fake News Media to discredit Trump once and for all?