Edited image by Dean Moriarty

Welcome to Trump’s Week in Review for the 20th of May, 2018, fresh after a break to give you all the hot goss and trivial trash reported on President Donald Trump.

Of course, you can always scroll down to the bottom of this review and read the actually important stuff about him you may have missed, but with all the utterly useless, unimportant “news” about the 45th President to read, who needs actual, important news?

BREAKING NEWS! Trump Misspells Wife Melania’s Name as ‘Melanie’ in Update on Her Health Following Release from Hospital, says The Telegraph, People, and almost everyone on Twitter. He totally just covfefe’d his wife’s name! Except he called her “Melanie” instead of “Melania”, and not “covfefe” instead of “coverage”, which is in a whole other ballpark. Not that spelling your wife’s name incorrectly is perfectly fine. But where’s the joke about Trump’s fat, tiny fingers? Clearly he mashed E because it’s nearby, or perhaps because he’s had an affair with someone called Melanie (take your pick, Twitter), and pressed post without a care in the world until his Twitter team brought him back to reality. A dick move? Yes. But BREAKING NEWS? No.

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Donald Trump and White House staff join ‘Yanny vs. Laurel’ debate, “reports” the New York Post. So, what did El Drumpfo hear? Neither. He jokingly responds in a White House tweet that he hears “covfefe”, the supposedly infamous spelling mistake he made of “coverage” last year.

How the right-wing Fox News became Donald Trump’s state propaganda channel, dramatically proclaims Mehdi Hasan of New Statesman. Donald Trump’s favorite news program is Fox & Friends, so naturally, Trump must be the “Fox News president”, according to Greg Gutfield of Fox News. If you’ve ever watched more than a couple of seconds of Fox & Friends, you’re probably questioning how a rational person could believe any of that overexaggerated, dramatic alleged nonsense. But to call it the “far-right Fox agenda”, as Hasan labels it, is to ignore politics itself, and ignores that Fox News has been a conservative channel since long before Trump was elected, long before Trump even identified as Republican. Hasan admits this himself, but of course there’s a “but”…

To be clear: since it began in 1996, Fox has been an ultra-conservative, ultra-partisan channel, pushing right-wing talking points and promoting Republican politicians. Yet since

According to Matthew Gertz of Media Matters for America, Trump has done 11 interviews with Fox News in the past year, so clearly he doesn’t think they are Fake News. In the prescient words of Mike Carlton (with “prime minister” referring to “president” in this case):

However, just because he’s lavishing praise on them, and they’re obviously loving it, doesn’t mean it’s the end of democracy. Fox News is the one news channel the Right has. The Left has literally everything else. To be complaining there is one channel lavishing praise on the President when absolutely everyone else (MSNBC, CNN, ABC) is basically calling him the next Hitler—it’s clearly not a propaganda channel. Get your heads out of the sand.

outdated_2010s_meme
Does this outdated early-2010s meme need a revival?

For the thin-skinned Trump, Fox provides him with a comfort zone

While its’ no excuse for some of his actions, wouldn’t anyone want to escape the CNN-style of “journalism that results in…

Donald Trump said 11 false things in just 5 tweets Sunday morning, says resident CNN Donald Trump expert Chris Cillizza, in which he justifies Hillary Clinton deleting 33,000 emails (yes, sure, you believe Clinton deleted 33,000 emails for definitely innocuous intentions). Most of this is just Chris Cillizza going into every detail of Trump’s tweets, pointing out every single flaw. While there may or may not be some truth to Trump and Cillizza—doesn’t it get a bit boring, mate, writing these 1000 Things Trump Did Wrong and Should be Impeachable Offenses For? articles. Do you ever take a break? Feel the warm breeze outside? Take a walk out by the beach at sunset? Say hello to a family member?

Donald Trump Praises His ‘Incredible’ Mom on Mother’s Day — But Doesn’t Mention Melania, says notable gossip rag People. He thanks his mother, but not Melania, who isn’t his mother. Noted that many people thank those who aren’t their mothers, but clearly Trump isn’t one of those. When he sees Mother’s Day, he can only think of his mother. Poor Mary MacLeod—the “incredible mom” in question. The media can’t even muster an ounce of care about her—because they’re back to mocking him because he’ll likely play golf that day. Boring!

Oh wait, they do know about Mary MacLeod Trump; at least Politico’s Peter Lovenheim, in Donald Trump’s Mommy Issues, in which Loveneheim, who identifies as “not a psychologist”, psychoanalyzes Trump. He’s researched attachment theory for a book, so Trump definitely has this with his mother! Since Loveneheim can’t do the “Adult Attachment Interview, an hour-long, structured interview that is considered the gold standard for assessing attachment in adults”, he admits he’ll have to make an educated guess about Trump supposedly having attachment issues.

While mental health professionals are constrained by ethical standards to avoid diagnosing public figures they haven’t personally examined, I am not bound by those rules.

Oh Lord. This is where Politico should have second guessed publishing Loveheim’s words. Just because Loveneheim has researched a theory extensively for a book, it does not mean he can “diagnose” a public figure. This is what counts as important journalism.

Why Keith Richards had to get rid of Donald Trump, says BBC News. In the latest episode of Celebrities React, Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards recounts a performance he had in 1989:

“[It was billed as] ‘Donald Trump presents the Rolling Stones’ [with the band’s name written in miniature].”

“I got out my trusty blade, stuck it in the table and said: ‘You have to get rid of this man!'”

He joked: “Now America has to get rid of him. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

He knew, guiiise, he knew! Why didn’t he warn us!?!1

He’s not the only Celebrity to React. J.K Rowling did too, because, let’s face it, she seemingly lives off the J.K. Rowling Trolls Donald Trump By Comparing Royal Wedding Crowd to His Inauguration Attendance headlines. If you had a dollar for every time J.K Rowling trolls someone on Twitter, you’d almost have as much money as her.

LOL! Owned! There were more people at Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding than Dumpy’s inauguration!

SNL Sends Donald Trump Off, Sopranos Finale Style, says Vulture, who seemingly don’t (or do, which is bewildering, to say the least) care that that The Sopranos finale they say Saturday Night Live is actually emulating, fades to black because James Gandolfini’s character Tony Soprano dies. Whoops. Spoiler alert. Is Vulture telling us they wish parody would become reality? Soprano’s death was not completely “ambiguous”. Yikes. We’ll never know, because Vulture’s “video library can only be streamed within the United States”.

Bill Gates: ‘Donald Trump confused on difference between HIV, HPV’, says News Limited. Yeah, admittedly, this is embarrassing. In the season finale of Celebrities React, Bill Gates met Trump at Trump Tower in December 2016, and this awkward encounter happened:

[Trump] wanted to know the difference between HIV and HPV…So I was able to explain that those were rarely confused with each other.

What people aren’t reporting on is Donald Trump’s odd obsession with Gates’s daughter Jennifer. Also, what multiple other sources confirm: He refers to himself in third person.

Donald Trump: Will he implode? We will know in November, says ABC News in Australia. There’s that impeachment. Any second. Any millisecond:

For those in America and around the world waiting for Donald Trump to implode, this is what they need to see: A president who continues to ride high.

And here’s the actually important stuff about him you may have missed

Man yelling about Donald Trump opens fire at president’s golf club: police, says Global News in Canada. It’s an assassination attempt. Basically a man yelling about Donald Trump entered his golf course on Friday, “draped a flag over a lobby counter and exchanged fire with police before being arrested”.

If this causes you to make a “joke” about how the man should’ve been able to get to Donald Trump, you’re a terrible person. If not for the fact you want the United States President dead, you should also be thinking about the horrible reality of Mike Pence as President. Have some common decency. Or is that respect only extended to those you agree with politically?

Why does Trump get away with corruption? Because Bill and Hillary Clinton normalised it, says Business Insider. Despite his increasing number of scandals, Donald Trump still has supporters, and people are wondering why. Business Insider labels “The Trump model is the Clinton model on steroids”, and they’re probably not too far off. But this ignores U.S. political history, implying scandals only began their existence in the ’90s, completely ignoring everything Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon, JFK’s multiple affairs, and more. Of course, having Bill Clinton, who cheated on Hillary with his intern as well as the inevitable #MeToo moment of all his other alleged sexual indiscretions, to Hillary’s war hungry behavior in the Middle East, is it any wonder Donald Trump is so nutty?